Faithless
How easy it is to belong only to oneself,
even when naked in front of another
This stranger’s roving hands and
searching tongue find something. Is it me?
Motions and moans
Bathed in yellow light
Novelty and flattery
to warm the bedside
Could I get by like this?
Faithless old love, be gone from my heart
I’m tucking that self away out of sight
with a faltering but fresh start tonight
***
A small-scale reflection of a great many things
A woman’s bag is a précis.
Its contents metonymic.
Condoms, lube, pepper spray,
Kindle, cigarettes, Swiss army knife
dot my black bag tonight.
Modern woman. Ancient fears.
Modern love games. Ancient heart.
Stepping out into the night
***
Mythical modernity, or A balancing act over death *
You make a habit of pleasantries. Misdirection. No
longer sixteen and goaded easily, by suppressed
laughter of cousins, slyly sarcastic uncles, or
overbearing aunties at weddings who in your
freewheeling life look for familiar milestones
and come up empty. Though sometimes a
throwaway remark hits the tuning fork of
consciousness at such a place as to reverberate
through the whole being; shaking the humble
faith in possibilities built painstakingly, stealing
bricks from the manor of conformity. A prediction
of coming to a sticky end made with the casual
assurance of centuries sometimes finds a spot
between the armour and the rib, slicing through
the fledgling defiance of nerve. Courage crumbling.
Mythical modernity. Linear time has run circles
around women. Even now one distracted move
could mean a whole desired life collapsing
Flagging energy insufficient to keep it in orbit
Ever looming twin spectres: society and family
exert force; calling it now tradition, now love
***
*Note: ‘A balancing act over death’ in the title is a reference to the following quote from Practicalities by Marguerite Duras. “That’s how it used to be in the past. In the past, wherever I turn, to whatever point in the history of the world, I see women in an extreme and intolerable situation. Doing a balancing act over death. Now, whichever way I turn in my own time I see the starlets of the media, tourism and banking, each one the bright girl of the class, spruce and indefatigable, equally knowledgeable about everything. And doing a balancing act over death.”
Illustration: Priya Sebastian